Times like these

"...The sky starts to brighten up like nothing they've never seen before as the new rays of life shine down and warm my wet skin. And at that moment, I want the one person who watched me without care or concern to realize what just happened..."


We are young, healthy, successful and ambitious people who settle for nothing less than the best. We strive for the highest salaries and prestigious positions, we fight for the beautiful lady or handsome man, we negotiate on sports cars and stock trades; we want it all. So why is it that I am a fool for standing in the rain? Why am I a fool for standing in the eye of the storm, the belly of the beast - unyielding and unwavering?

I define my successes by the above; it is something I cannot deter. I do not deny my thirst for material goods, for I am a hedonist like the rest. However, I do not find it an attractive trait to fear and hide from the natural. No matter the effort, life will have its ups and downs; this ebb and flow is natural and should not be feared. I do not say one cannot dread these times and events that make us ponder our own mortality or existence; nay, I say one should not fear that which is natural - for fear is your worst enemy and your "soul" captive in these times.

If that person under the cover of the refreshment stand looked out at the ocean to see me, and thought,

"You know, it is only rain. Why just ten minutes ago I was wading in 65 degree, salty, ocean water without a care in the world. Now I stand here on the sidelines as this "fool" stands amongst the most breathtaking site yet. He stands there as the sky opens above him and the water retreats from his feet. This man did not fear or hide from "the natural," he embraced it for what it was and allowed life to continue."

Maybe there is a chance. I don't want this person to waste time admiring my actions, they are self motivated and require no praise. Any time he spends pondering this is less time for him to realize the true meaning behind my desire for him. He will fail to see the true beauty as he is engulfed in the moment and will miss his chance for the real moment, the epiphany.

to be continued...

A lot has happened since I last posted. Most notably I had to withdraw myself from the Symbol position before it started. I've also broken my left arm and failed miserably to post my Picture of the Day. All of these failures have come so suddenly and so heavily on me in a time that had the potential to be great.

I go home each night after work and I don't feel the same "release" from my hell that I normally feel. This isn't to say that I feel like I am in hell at home, because that couldn't be further from the truth. Home is the one place I look forward to being and the one place I yearn for when I am away. But rather than feeling the satisfaction of being home, I still feel the "hell" looming overhead like a dark rain cloud on a beautiful sunny day on the beach. Everyone looks up as a mysterious shade interrupts their tanning session. Babies start crying as they anticipate the end of the world while lifeguard whistles alert the patrons of their need to vacate the water. People rush to their cars half dressed with their towels dragging and sandals flopping.

And just as they get the last of their possessions in the trunk (conveniently spritzed with sand now), the rain comes down. The first few drops are like icicles hurling towards you as you dodge the pellets of pain and seek cover in the car. A foolish few are still on the beach, hiding under the pathetic cover of lifeguard towers and refreshment stands. The rain pours down harder and harder as some start to drive away. Others sit idle in their cars and stare at the rain as if it were the most violent of offenders of their day off. The scattered few on the beach look out to see one utterly foolish being standing on the sand just shy of the water. Some feel the urge to heckle while others get a strange feeling of concern.

Hopefully, there is that one person who is looking out at me as I stand at the feet of the most vast expanse of life as the ocean swells up and throws splashes of salty water at me. I hope this one person is watching me without care or concern. I hope this one person realizes that we need not run and hide from that which is natural, from that which is beautiful and misunderstood and just so simply perfect. And as the rain begins to subside, the onlookers begin to peer their little heads out like scared prairie dogs. The sky starts to brighten up like nothing they've never seen before as the new rays of life shine down and warm my wet skin. And at that moment, I want the one person who watched me without care or concern to realize what just happened.

to be continued...

Two Thousand Six was a year that was supposed to be bigger and better than Two Thousand Five. Goals were set, and yes they were achieved (some) but when I look back to the entire year, I realize that Two Thousand Six followed the same pattern as my previous years.

Pattern 1: I moved.

Yet again, no big surprise, I moved this year. In Two Thousand Six I moved from New Providence, New Jersey to Bohemia, New York. In Two Thousand Five I moved from New Paltz, New York to New Providence, New Jersey. A year isn't complete until Dave has moved somewhere. Now there have been a couple years where I didn't move, but ever since my Junior Year of High School, I have moved at least once per year. The worst part about moving has always been the packing, but I'm starting to wonder if the worst part about moving is the change of address hassle.

Pattern 2: Still not engaged

Two Thousand Six brought me a big surprise in that, I am still not engaged. I've wanted to propose to my special lady since I graduated and I haven't gotten around to it yet. There is so much that I have to do before I propose and all of it is intensely scary. The first part - I must sit down and speak with her parents, alone. Now I love her family and they are great fun, but I don't think I've ever been totally alone with any one of them at any particular time. The second part - finding the perfect ring. Kelly pretty much told me what she likes, now it is up to me to decide the rest. Too much pressure.

Pattern 3: The Family

This past year didn't bring me any surprises in my attempts to rekindle a relationship with the other half of my family. I was met with stubbornness and resentful attitude at every turn. Everything I did wasn't good enough and even my most true and honest attempts were called false and malicious. I wrote a 6 page letter to my step-father apologizing and attempting to explain my actions (when I was 16 years old mind you). He never got a chance to read it because my mother intercepted the letter and said it sounded "plastic." She told me that nobody "writes like that" and I should try harder to not "sound so pompous next time." After receiving that feedback I realized that there isn't a thing I can do at this point. Every year I try something new and every year I get the same response. I said this in Two Thousand Five and I said this in Two Thousand Six, let's see if I say this in Two Thousand Seven... At some point I have to cut my losses and move on.