Times like these

Fighting Addiction

I don't know about you, but there have been weekend mornings when I wake up with the nastiest taste in my mouth; stale beer. I rub my eyes a number of times in hope to clear my vision, but I'm only successful in blurring reality. I start to lift the covers and roll my body to the right with the intention to lay my tired feet on the soft carpet. Every inch of movement jars my stomach the wrong way and I can still feel the fluids sloshing around, looking for escape.

Escape. Sometimes I wish I could just escape this place, and live in a world where I didn't have to question my every action.

My feet hit the carpet and I can feel the soles are sore from a long night of walking and standing. I press my hands into my bed on either side of my hips and lower my head as I thrust my torso upwards towards the ceiling... getting closer by moment. As I stand I can feel my equilibrium looking for a stronghold, something to focus on. I begin to drag my feet towards the bathroom as I can feel my kidneys pressing against my skin, bloated and also looking for escape.

Escape. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel like I was looking for an escape all the time.

As I exit the bathroom I find myself living in a poem. Frost. The Road Less Traveled. Do I turn left and return to bed? Do I turn right and eat breakfast? Do I walk straight and lie on the couch, watching TV until my head hurts from lying on the armrest? Decisions are best left to those who can handle them.

I begin to walk to the living room as I feel a sense of urgency. I don't know why, I don't know what, but something must be done. I start to feel the blood rising quickly from my legs towards my head. My body knows I'll need all the help I can get if I'm going to figure this out. I hate this feeling, this feeling of the unknown. What is it? Why?

As the blood rushes into my skull I am stunned by a momentary sense of clarity. I know now what it is I am missing and what it is my body is yearning for. But why? How? Does my body act as its own sovereign entity, without the direction of my thoughts? Is this what it means to feel addiction?

Addiction. What is it about addiction that separates your body from your mind?

I don't understand, the lack of understanding brings forth a sense of urgency, again. My oldest addiction, the world's addiction - the need to know, the fear of what we don't know.

Slow down.

You don't know what you don't know.

Breathe.

It's okay to be a beginner. It's okay to say, "I don't know." Don't fear what you don't know. It's the addiction again, calling back to me. Screaming at me. I must find out why my body is yearning for something that my mind is not.

Has my most recent addiction severed my head from my body? Do I now walk as two beings tied together as one? Tied together by an addiction that has swallowed me whole?

Justify. I'm not the only one. There are others.

My heart begins to slow down and the blood begins to return to the rest of my body. The sense of urgency is dying. For now.

I stand in the entrance of my living room. I can see the addiction manifesting itself in front of me. Something so innocent and simple, something so maniacal and deviant. I want to walk towards this beast, this crippler, and throw it to the ground. I want to stomp this handicap of mine until I have conquered the animal. If the addiction has taken control of my body, then my body will lash out and fight back.

I begin to smile. I look upon the inanimate manifestation that is my addiction. I do not fear this. You have not won today, my friend. You will have to do a lot more than that to win me over. One night with you is not enough to conquer me. But don't confuse yourself, my friend. When I come looking for you tonight, or the next night, or any other night... I am not there to succumb, I am there to enjoi myself.

Escape. Have I escaped the addiction? Is there an addiction?

I am too strong for this. I have strength in me, around me and above me... protecting me. The battle for now is over. The war, has only begun. Will I allow myself to indulge with the belief that I can control this? Will I fall to the sweet nectar and allow myself to be controlled?

I am unsure of how this story will end. The only fear I have now is the fear of the unknown. I do not fear the conclusion of this story, I welcome the challenge. But I must be careful to not overindulge in this challenge for this addiction has a way to disguise itself. I will not allow myself to be blinded for the sake of the moment. Yet, I will not allow myself to escape the moment in fear of what may come.

I will live. I will overcome. I will win. I will escape.

posted by David Malloy @ 8:08 AM